you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
