You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I am mentally ready for anal.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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