We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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