There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
