Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Terrible idea I love it
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
