I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
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I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
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Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
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