my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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