We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
