you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
