Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
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weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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