he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
