I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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