Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Randomize
