the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
