ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Randomize
