I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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