Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
