Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
