Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
