a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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