Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
