what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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