i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
His nipple licking is glorious
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