We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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