he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
