the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
