MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
