So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
