The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
