My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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