I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
