I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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