guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm like, not good at living.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
