peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
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I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
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She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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