I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
The power of my boobs compel you
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
