i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize
