Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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