I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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