I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
