theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
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