My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
