Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
