I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
