It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
