In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
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