When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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