dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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