did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well you can't waste a boner
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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