this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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