I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
