after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
