Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
