Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
