I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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