My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
