I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
