My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
