I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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